Back in Jan 08....

(I decided to collect all infertility posts from my other blog and put them here too in case I decide to make this an official infertility blog)

It's offical:

1. this is turning into an infertility blog--my apologies off the bat.
2. I'm utterly confused and freaked out by this whole process.

Saw the doc the other day and he went over my results. Here I am thinking I'm all sassy with my "normal" FSH and only progesterone is all funky.

Nope.

FSH is 9.2 and a 10 is the beginning of worry-ville. He said that being 36 and "issues" arrising, that a 9.2 signals that trouble is starting to tick.

In short, I'm getting fucking old.

Then he went over progesterone, which I already knew was low.

I told him that the good ol left ovarian cyst is BACK and fucking painful and was hoping to prove it to him. He said he'll give me an ultrasound. I have visions of "wow, that puppy is big. Let's pop that puppy out of that ovary and be gone."

Instead words like Clomid was used. Here I am going all "uhhh ok sure." because an IUI is no big woop. So what the hey.

I get my ultrasound and it's now a 5cm instead of last test of a 3 cm. Great. The tech is nice and we chit chat and she goes "So, what is his treatment plan?" I said Clomid. Her eyes bug out of her sockets and she goes " CLOMID??? Heck no. That will make this thing bigger and it's already huge plus you can get more on top of this one."

Ok for reference, here is back in Nov and now Jan.




Nice, eh?

So I'm in full freakout mode but am in shock because at this point, I have no idea what is going on. FSH, progesterone, bleeding cyst, huge ass cyst, Clomid, pills, ultrasound. My head spins and I just go with the flow. She consults the doc because she's concerned and she comes back with a look of annoyance on her face, "well, looks like you have to take Clomid every other month." And I get shoved out the front door.

I had this huge feeling of WTF going on. What's this making the cyst bigger thingy??? I look up the Clomid prescribing info and clear as day, woomp there it is:

"CONTRAINDICATIONS: DO NOT USE CLOMID IF THERE ARE EXISTING CYSTS."

Well let's just hold the fucking phone. This wasn't told to me. And neither was the cyst getting worse from it. I had to get that 411 from the ultrasound tech.

I love my doc. He's very well respected and is with a great clinic and hospital. I like his personality and he's sweet but this is a very high concern for me. Why didn't he mention these risks when I asked risks. I heard bitchiness and hot flashes. I did not hear "oh it can make the cyst worse" side effects. He sort of let that minor thing out. Even my OB from way back said "your cyst needs to go away before any ovarian stimulation." Well it's on the track to get stimulated and I don' want to make a fucking move until I get answers and relief from this cyst. I hear that surgery isn't an option because I can kiss this ovary goodbye (or at least fertility workup). I also saw that my ultrasound had 6 follicles on the right side. I'm just hoping I'm misreading it and now is not the time to count those puppies because 6 is very low (not pathetic, just very low).

Here I was all "woo hoo. Normal HSG; do the Brown, do the Brown." And then a progesterone of low and going "meh, WebMD says progesterone suppositories (love that word)." Then off to "fucking cyst is back oh well, they'll pop that baby." And now? All of that speculation, hope, and doing the "Brown" is kicked in the nutsack. I just feel like my positive attitude is a laughing stock (shut up, in real life, I actually am really bubbly at the doc office. They all love my sense of humor). On top of all of this, the man has to get retested. They're great swimmers, it's just a lot of them decided to hang out at the bar or something because they didn't show up. But I guess banging on the door of a bathroom while you're rubbing one out can disrupt it. I don't know. My hopeful "doing the Brown" side is all "wow, IUI is so perfect and easy." HA!!! I laugh AND spit on your bubbly sense of humor and hope.

Fuck.

This is all sucking. I'm scared about fucking up my body. I don't need some cyst to rupture and destroy my ovary (on top of causing major pain and embarassment. I can see it happening at work. Fuckers better give me flowers out of sympathy if it does happen). And I don't need it to grow to 10lbs. If you go on YouTube, there is a video of surgery of this. I already have the slight preggo look from all this bloated whatever is going on.

Now I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo to bang on my door. It seems the cyst likes to keep Aunt Flo drunk and party like it's 1999 because I usually wind up late--as in 32ish days late. That's when the cyst throws a dirty, drunk, used up Aunt Flo back my way and goes "See you in 2 months, beeeyaaatch."

Part of me wants to ask the doc of this cyst is causing all of these levels to go wacked because I'll be damned if I'm told I'm old, bleeding, and useless (ok he didn't say this but this is how I'm starting to feel, big time!)

I always said I wouldn't be one of those "insane infertilty bitches who get all obsessed with their charts, measures, counts, and whatever". Well, I was wrong. Just like I'm wrong with everything I thought always knew about infertility, drugs, treatement, procedures, anatomy, and IVF. I realize that being a former editor for 2 peer-reviewed infertility journals only makes me a former editor for 2 peer-reviewed infertility journals (or as many call it--a WebMD hack).

Now excuse me while this obsessed and confused infertile bitch posts in 4 different topic areas of an infertility message board.