Went to dinner for a pregnancy announcement yesterday. It was ok and I'm happy for them. But I did feel a little "meh" when she announced that her pregnancy was a result of trying only once.
Yes one time.
I mean, come on. I know that's rare, but could I feel anymore inadequate?
The rest of the dinner was non stop "did you know when you're pregnant, xyz happens?"
Um seeing that I'm going through infertility treatments, no, I DON'T know what it feels like to get xyz when you're pregnant.
Shut up and eat your pie.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
He's taking requests
When we were at the RE's office I saw some lady with her mom and go to the man, "Why would you bring your mom here??? So friggen gross." We overheard because she was having triplets!!
Triplets. Scary. The man goes 'you got 3 eggs in there for possibilities, right?" I was like "no way man, no way". Can you imagine? There's just no room in women for 3 kids!!!
And trust me, 8 eggs total, 3 of which are all good chances is just wrong. Talk about lead weights. All I'm asking is for 1 to take. Here's hoping!!!
Two other guys were in the office yesterday and all I could do was giggle. My man beat them to the punch and all I could think were these guys in rooms next to each other beating off. How creepy. You know everyone next to you is doing the same thing. See, I would be that jerk and either moan so they could hear me or knock on the wall and go "are you done?"
When he was done he goes, "read the label when they show it to you." So I did and it said 'dillweed' " and in the notes section he put "Better than what Russell Crowe has to offer". He loves ribbing on Russell.
While we were waiting our standard 10 min for things to settle he grabs the exam room light, and ladies, we know what light I'm talking about, and started singing "Suspicious Minds" like Elvis (he's really, really good at it too). And grabed the long "hoo ha" swabs that were in a box on a table and started playing the drums on my tummy.
When we left the room the doc told us "Nice Elvis."
For some reason this IUI felt different. I got no cramping. Being monitored, I now know what my levels were at peak---LH 61.1 from a 8.6 in two days! "Little guy" count? 60 million. Sounds promising to me.
I will say though that the Ovidrel worked. Or at least I think it worked. About midnight I FELT the egg(s) release in the left ovary. Ok I know. Weirdo. But seriously. I know Clomid sore, holy cow I got too many eggs and I think I have OHSS vs. something slightly popping and then pushing out like a marble through a tube. And yes, it was weird and painful. But not horrible painful. Just ew painful. Within an hour all of my super ovarian pain was gone.
We won't know until next week. I don't want to get my hopes up like last time and monitor every little symptom. Then again, I have no symptoms. Everything is completely different than the last time.
Last time I was Super Crab for 2 weeks straight. This time? Two days. Last time I was cramping after the IUI where I thought Aunt Flo was coming. This time? Nothing. The only pain I felt was super ovarian pain and that went away by midnight when the egg popped out. I think I was super hungry about now the last time. Not sure. But the last two days I've been hungry like the wolf. Yes. I said it.
So who knows? Taking it easy and trying not to think about it. No way am I testing early like last time because the shot will give me a false positive. All I know is that I have one more IUI try after this and we're off to IVF in the fall (I'm taking the summer off). I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
So here's good thoughts and more waffles, donuts, chocolate milk, a burrito bowl, iced tea, and more water to shake your pee stick at.
Triplets. Scary. The man goes 'you got 3 eggs in there for possibilities, right?" I was like "no way man, no way". Can you imagine? There's just no room in women for 3 kids!!!
And trust me, 8 eggs total, 3 of which are all good chances is just wrong. Talk about lead weights. All I'm asking is for 1 to take. Here's hoping!!!
Two other guys were in the office yesterday and all I could do was giggle. My man beat them to the punch and all I could think were these guys in rooms next to each other beating off. How creepy. You know everyone next to you is doing the same thing. See, I would be that jerk and either moan so they could hear me or knock on the wall and go "are you done?"
When he was done he goes, "read the label when they show it to you." So I did and it said 'dillweed' " and in the notes section he put "Better than what Russell Crowe has to offer". He loves ribbing on Russell.
While we were waiting our standard 10 min for things to settle he grabs the exam room light, and ladies, we know what light I'm talking about, and started singing "Suspicious Minds" like Elvis (he's really, really good at it too). And grabed the long "hoo ha" swabs that were in a box on a table and started playing the drums on my tummy.
When we left the room the doc told us "Nice Elvis."
For some reason this IUI felt different. I got no cramping. Being monitored, I now know what my levels were at peak---LH 61.1 from a 8.6 in two days! "Little guy" count? 60 million. Sounds promising to me.
I will say though that the Ovidrel worked. Or at least I think it worked. About midnight I FELT the egg(s) release in the left ovary. Ok I know. Weirdo. But seriously. I know Clomid sore, holy cow I got too many eggs and I think I have OHSS vs. something slightly popping and then pushing out like a marble through a tube. And yes, it was weird and painful. But not horrible painful. Just ew painful. Within an hour all of my super ovarian pain was gone.
We won't know until next week. I don't want to get my hopes up like last time and monitor every little symptom. Then again, I have no symptoms. Everything is completely different than the last time.
Last time I was Super Crab for 2 weeks straight. This time? Two days. Last time I was cramping after the IUI where I thought Aunt Flo was coming. This time? Nothing. The only pain I felt was super ovarian pain and that went away by midnight when the egg popped out. I think I was super hungry about now the last time. Not sure. But the last two days I've been hungry like the wolf. Yes. I said it.
So who knows? Taking it easy and trying not to think about it. No way am I testing early like last time because the shot will give me a false positive. All I know is that I have one more IUI try after this and we're off to IVF in the fall (I'm taking the summer off). I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
So here's good thoughts and more waffles, donuts, chocolate milk, a burrito bowl, iced tea, and more water to shake your pee stick at.
And showtime
Drug sitting on dresser to get room temp
Man laying in bed
cotton balls in order
alcohol bottle in order
watching video for injection and getting non stop willies and heebee jeebees
Check.
Follicle count good today--right ovary 11. Left ovary two of them---19 and 11. Here's hoping one sticks. IUI tomorow morning. I got lucky and can work from home because today? I'm miserable. Bloated, pain, even my leg went numb. I didn't get these symptoms the last time so part of me wonders if this time it's really working. Kind of like 'you're soaking in it'.
The nurse said we 'can do it' just as a backup. And of course, overly considerate, OCD me goes to her, "Um...then it will be one big mess for the doc to see tomorrow." She said don't worry, it's common. Ew.
This is so surreal to me. Even a year ago I was all Miss There's no Fucking Way I'm Ever Doing Injectables. And while it's just one shot this month, I guess the motto for this year is "never say never."
I also said many moons ago I would never show my goods to a man doc. That too was proven wrong. But at least I made him laugh with my "should have made it all festive-like and put some glitter down there."
Yea. I got a million of them.
And obviously so does my husband. The nurse was still amazed that his count was 520million. She goes "Jesus Christ!! SuperSperm Man! We only require 20." I told her, "yea don't let his head get any bigger. He constantly boasts and wants a shirt with a big "S" for Sperminator."
25 min and counting.
Did I ever tell you how much I hate needles?
heebee
jeebee
Man laying in bed
cotton balls in order
alcohol bottle in order
watching video for injection and getting non stop willies and heebee jeebees
Check.
Follicle count good today--right ovary 11. Left ovary two of them---19 and 11. Here's hoping one sticks. IUI tomorow morning. I got lucky and can work from home because today? I'm miserable. Bloated, pain, even my leg went numb. I didn't get these symptoms the last time so part of me wonders if this time it's really working. Kind of like 'you're soaking in it'.
The nurse said we 'can do it' just as a backup. And of course, overly considerate, OCD me goes to her, "Um...then it will be one big mess for the doc to see tomorrow." She said don't worry, it's common. Ew.
This is so surreal to me. Even a year ago I was all Miss There's no Fucking Way I'm Ever Doing Injectables. And while it's just one shot this month, I guess the motto for this year is "never say never."
I also said many moons ago I would never show my goods to a man doc. That too was proven wrong. But at least I made him laugh with my "should have made it all festive-like and put some glitter down there."
Yea. I got a million of them.
And obviously so does my husband. The nurse was still amazed that his count was 520million. She goes "Jesus Christ!! SuperSperm Man! We only require 20." I told her, "yea don't let his head get any bigger. He constantly boasts and wants a shirt with a big "S" for Sperminator."
25 min and counting.
Did I ever tell you how much I hate needles?
heebee
jeebee
Down for the count
Round 1 of the IUI didn't work. The worse part is that my periods always mimic symptoms of pregnancy but when you have a procedure to get you pregnant, you actually believe you're pregnant. And so did the man. I was super, super, super crabby, tired, nauseous, moody, bloated, implantation bleeding....everything. Except I spotted 3 days before my period came and then bam, it came.
Sure I tested on day 7, which was stupid but I just had to get it out of my system because 2 weeks for news was enternity. I rather know that I saw a negative to prepare for the future. On day 10 I tested again with more hope and it was neg. On day 12 I spotted hoping it was prespot because you hear some women go through that. Nope. The next day I woke up to some cramps and hello! Aunt Flo was here in her drunken glory.
Sigh
So now we're on round 2 of clomid with an injectable. Yes, an injectable right to the stomach. Being the drama queen/afraid of needles, you would have thought someone told me to hari kari myself or something. I watched this video and started to tear up at work. Thank god the man used to be a vet tech because he's my shot giver. And of course the drama starts.
"Don't you wiggle or move or fuss now".
"Well you follow my rules of not showing me the needle, telling me when it comes, count 1,2,3 and then let me hold my breath and do it."
And this conversation went on for 30 min back and forth because he knows I'm a freak. I wish the nurse would give it to me because it puts me in a situation of not backing out. With the man, I'm going to freak.
Thank god it's subcutaneous though. And did you know that these meds are made out of pregnant women's pee? I mean what do they have some sort of cattle call of "Pee here, get your preggo pee here."
Agghhhh aggghhh agggghhh
I just took my first dose of Clomid.
And I'm scared.
1. this means we are in full swing of Operation Baby Drop.
2. after hearing all the Clomid horror stories, I'm scared of the Super Bitch Mode. And everyone around me is terrified too.
3. I'm hoping the doc doesn't use the pirate hook on the ol cervix for the Russell Crowe turkey baster
4. this could very well mean by Xmas.... Me...a baby...woah!
And I'm scared.
1. this means we are in full swing of Operation Baby Drop.
2. after hearing all the Clomid horror stories, I'm scared of the Super Bitch Mode. And everyone around me is terrified too.
3. I'm hoping the doc doesn't use the pirate hook on the ol cervix for the Russell Crowe turkey baster
4. this could very well mean by Xmas.... Me...a baby...woah!
Behind the green door
Today was the man's test at the RE. It's been a non stop on and off cancelling of appointments and rescheduling since January. You would think I was asking him to get circumsized or something.
Anyway he went because now that I'm Clomid, he has to go to see wassssuuuppppp with the little swimmers so the doc can confidently say that IUI is the right first step.
I'm sitting at work knowing he'll call for directions. The phone rang. Let's just say he didn't want directions.
Instead I got a play by play of what the room was like.
"You know, 2004 Playboys aren't really doing it for me."
What type of porn do they have?
"Ugh...here are the videos....Chasey Lane something or other. America's hottest bartenders."
America's hottest bartenders?
"Yep. Dems the choices. This is going to be a while."
And speaking of Chasey Lane, I haven't heard that name since the early 90s. Is she still alive? By the sound of her website (yes sound), she is.
So anyway. I go to lunch and he calls me back in TWO HOURS and asks if I checked my email. I finally get back to the office thinking he took pics of the video or something.
Nope.
Now, when giving a sample, you have to abstain for a while. Seeing that Aunt Flo knocked on my door, that's 1 week of no action, Jackson. Yesterday he was moaning that he was going to die. I told him to stfu and go to the doc an unload. Leave me alone plus he couldn't so, HA!
Anyway, the pic?
It was a pic of the "goods". A big ol sample cup of goods. I immediately gagged.
It came with the text of " I AM A JIZZMILL GOD!"
That's my man.
Anyway he went because now that I'm Clomid, he has to go to see wassssuuuppppp with the little swimmers so the doc can confidently say that IUI is the right first step.
I'm sitting at work knowing he'll call for directions. The phone rang. Let's just say he didn't want directions.
Instead I got a play by play of what the room was like.
"You know, 2004 Playboys aren't really doing it for me."
What type of porn do they have?
"Ugh...here are the videos....Chasey Lane something or other. America's hottest bartenders."
America's hottest bartenders?
"Yep. Dems the choices. This is going to be a while."
And speaking of Chasey Lane, I haven't heard that name since the early 90s. Is she still alive? By the sound of her website (yes sound), she is.
So anyway. I go to lunch and he calls me back in TWO HOURS and asks if I checked my email. I finally get back to the office thinking he took pics of the video or something.
Nope.
Now, when giving a sample, you have to abstain for a while. Seeing that Aunt Flo knocked on my door, that's 1 week of no action, Jackson. Yesterday he was moaning that he was going to die. I told him to stfu and go to the doc an unload. Leave me alone plus he couldn't so, HA!
Anyway, the pic?
It was a pic of the "goods". A big ol sample cup of goods. I immediately gagged.
It came with the text of " I AM A JIZZMILL GOD!"
That's my man.
he must have dreamed about Tiger
(original post March 15)
I just got back from the IUI--you know, turkey baster. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't spectacular and pleasant. Then again, shoving thin plastic up your yin yang can't be all sunshine and roses. It was pinchy at best but not horrible.
I waited 2.5 weeks for this moment and while it's not the most romantic thing, one would like to cherish the feeling of hope, happiness, anxiousness, and wonder. Instead? I could have tucked and rolled my husband out of the car as I was dropping him off for work.
Seeing I'm super stressed with this stuff and work (a tale for another day) on top of the Clomid FINALLY kicking in super bitch mode, I'm not the best person to be around right now. Yesterday I almost had a melt down because ice skating times were jacked up and we missed it. I know...stupid. But yesterday for me was my last 'hoorah' and I wanted it to go smoothly. Dinner, skating, a little wine (since I can't drink from today on in), and just a nice night. Instead, waiting 45 min to sit down at dinner, not hungry so I ate a small side salad of lettuce, carrots, and cheese. Wine was semi ok but high price. Skating was over by the time we got there because I thought it said it started at 9pm. Nope. It finished at 9pm. So the last ditched effort by my man was taking me to the local wine shop--and it was closed. I just lost it and cried. I know I sound like a baby but I was just a hormonal train wreck.
So today was going to be my better day since it was baby making day. We got up, got there, he did his 'biz-nez' in the back room comes out and goes "hmm I don't think I gave enough." And once again bitch mode switched on and I was insenstive with the comment of "great. Nothing goes right anyway so this figures." And of course, that gives a response of throwing a magazine down and whispering shouting because we're in a doc's office and didn't want them to hear. He left for the other partitioned room and I just read my magazines because when you act difficult with me, I shut down and give two shits about anything. Yea. I know. Woo-oohhh super bitch.
I apologized later as we waited and gave him a shoulder rub. I am just having a hard time seeing his stress part of this because after all, his parts are easy. Beat off, jizz in a cup. My parts are pills, needles, a bloated stomach so I look pregnant (seriously, I am a marsupial right now), and anxiety. So I'm not the best "there there" pat on the back girl when someone says "hmm I didn't jizz enough."
We get in the office and I am so scared. I didn't want the same pain as the other test so I warn the doc about the cervix issue. She takes a gander and goes "wow, it is super high and posterior but you have to relax because I can't even get to it like this." Great. So I relax and she puts it in. It feels pinching, a little like a slow needle but not like the last time which is something I'll never forget. I feel a little crampy as the "boys" get injected in and we're all set. Oh and all that "not enough jizz" bitching before? His small sample was 50 million. They would have been fine with 10-20million. So once again, his 'my poor swimmers' turns into 'woo hoo, I am a jizzmill god!".
As we go home I'm filled with hope and anxiousness. Then the little rain on the parade happens.
"I didn't want to pressure you but so and so is pregnant."
I feel a little 'meh' because they only tried 3 months if that and she's 3 years older than me. I'm happy for them and move on.
Then the moment of the downpour.
"Now don't get upset but you know, I want you to realize that I won't give up golf with the baby. I'll just have to adjust my schedule to early morning Sundays or something since I'll watch the kid during the week."
Inside voice?...."That's your fucking priority? GOLF?? I take pills, get poked, get things shoved way up me, get cramps, have a belly like Buddah, have my body go to shit when the kid finally comes out, go to work after 3 months, worry about how we're going to pay for all of this, and forget about my good times because I'll doubt I'll have the time to do shit, and you're worried about GOLF???" And insert primal scream here.
Outside voice? "Oh ok. You know, you need to figure out your priorities because I never said you had to give it up but the first year of our lives is going to be hard and sacrifices so get ready, Bub."
As I pull up to the doorway to drop him off, all I think is "tuck and roll baby. Tuck and roll".
Grrrrrr men can be so stupid!!!
So I went home, got the pork shoulder ready for pulled pork, cleaned the house, and rented Mystery Alaska to get my rocks off with Russell Crowe. Fuck your golf. These are my priorities for the day.
Just he wait. One day while I'm hanging with the girls, I'll proudly hand over the little one to him, diaper and formula in hand, make sure it's sunny and 85 degrees and go "see ya!" And hopefully the girl/boy will be such a delight that he'll go "Golf? Who cares about golf. Tiger got nothing on this kid." And realize that his happiness, importance, and internal grace is in his arms, not in his hands as a 9 iron.
The big dummy.
I just got back from the IUI--you know, turkey baster. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't spectacular and pleasant. Then again, shoving thin plastic up your yin yang can't be all sunshine and roses. It was pinchy at best but not horrible.
I waited 2.5 weeks for this moment and while it's not the most romantic thing, one would like to cherish the feeling of hope, happiness, anxiousness, and wonder. Instead? I could have tucked and rolled my husband out of the car as I was dropping him off for work.
Seeing I'm super stressed with this stuff and work (a tale for another day) on top of the Clomid FINALLY kicking in super bitch mode, I'm not the best person to be around right now. Yesterday I almost had a melt down because ice skating times were jacked up and we missed it. I know...stupid. But yesterday for me was my last 'hoorah' and I wanted it to go smoothly. Dinner, skating, a little wine (since I can't drink from today on in), and just a nice night. Instead, waiting 45 min to sit down at dinner, not hungry so I ate a small side salad of lettuce, carrots, and cheese. Wine was semi ok but high price. Skating was over by the time we got there because I thought it said it started at 9pm. Nope. It finished at 9pm. So the last ditched effort by my man was taking me to the local wine shop--and it was closed. I just lost it and cried. I know I sound like a baby but I was just a hormonal train wreck.
So today was going to be my better day since it was baby making day. We got up, got there, he did his 'biz-nez' in the back room comes out and goes "hmm I don't think I gave enough." And once again bitch mode switched on and I was insenstive with the comment of "great. Nothing goes right anyway so this figures." And of course, that gives a response of throwing a magazine down and whispering shouting because we're in a doc's office and didn't want them to hear. He left for the other partitioned room and I just read my magazines because when you act difficult with me, I shut down and give two shits about anything. Yea. I know. Woo-oohhh super bitch.
I apologized later as we waited and gave him a shoulder rub. I am just having a hard time seeing his stress part of this because after all, his parts are easy. Beat off, jizz in a cup. My parts are pills, needles, a bloated stomach so I look pregnant (seriously, I am a marsupial right now), and anxiety. So I'm not the best "there there" pat on the back girl when someone says "hmm I didn't jizz enough."
We get in the office and I am so scared. I didn't want the same pain as the other test so I warn the doc about the cervix issue. She takes a gander and goes "wow, it is super high and posterior but you have to relax because I can't even get to it like this." Great. So I relax and she puts it in. It feels pinching, a little like a slow needle but not like the last time which is something I'll never forget. I feel a little crampy as the "boys" get injected in and we're all set. Oh and all that "not enough jizz" bitching before? His small sample was 50 million. They would have been fine with 10-20million. So once again, his 'my poor swimmers' turns into 'woo hoo, I am a jizzmill god!".
As we go home I'm filled with hope and anxiousness. Then the little rain on the parade happens.
"I didn't want to pressure you but so and so is pregnant."
I feel a little 'meh' because they only tried 3 months if that and she's 3 years older than me. I'm happy for them and move on.
Then the moment of the downpour.
"Now don't get upset but you know, I want you to realize that I won't give up golf with the baby. I'll just have to adjust my schedule to early morning Sundays or something since I'll watch the kid during the week."
Inside voice?...."That's your fucking priority? GOLF?? I take pills, get poked, get things shoved way up me, get cramps, have a belly like Buddah, have my body go to shit when the kid finally comes out, go to work after 3 months, worry about how we're going to pay for all of this, and forget about my good times because I'll doubt I'll have the time to do shit, and you're worried about GOLF???" And insert primal scream here.
Outside voice? "Oh ok. You know, you need to figure out your priorities because I never said you had to give it up but the first year of our lives is going to be hard and sacrifices so get ready, Bub."
As I pull up to the doorway to drop him off, all I think is "tuck and roll baby. Tuck and roll".
Grrrrrr men can be so stupid!!!
So I went home, got the pork shoulder ready for pulled pork, cleaned the house, and rented Mystery Alaska to get my rocks off with Russell Crowe. Fuck your golf. These are my priorities for the day.
Just he wait. One day while I'm hanging with the girls, I'll proudly hand over the little one to him, diaper and formula in hand, make sure it's sunny and 85 degrees and go "see ya!" And hopefully the girl/boy will be such a delight that he'll go "Golf? Who cares about golf. Tiger got nothing on this kid." And realize that his happiness, importance, and internal grace is in his arms, not in his hands as a 9 iron.
The big dummy.
Ready for take off
(original post Jan 13)
Went in Thurs for the (*insert doom and gloom music*) HSG and ....
I'M ALL CLEAR!
The me and the doc were surprised actually since my history was making him think that endo was blocking my tubes. But nope. He's guessing if I do have endo that it's a mild case and at least it's not involving the tubs. Woo hoo!
The man wanted to go in but he was told all he could do was wait right outside the doors. So I went in and sat on the chair waiting for the doc and I started to cry. I was so afraid of the impending pain that I just broke down. I will say though I'm so glad I took the valium and the 800 mg of ibuprophin. The doc came in and saw me crying. He was all "oh honey, what's wrong. Ok here, we'll talk before we start ok?" And proceeded to tell me how many he's done, that he'll tell me when the usual pain would start, he would go slow, and he did this procedure on his wife--who did kick him in the face. So it would be ok.
I composed myself and sat up on the table. I told him to make it festive and fun I should have put glitter all over the place. He laughed. I laid down and felt the usual speculum go in and no big woop. Then he told me to cough and...
I screamed so loud that I knew people outside heard me. The pain felt like someone took a needle and shoved it in my cervix. I was dizzy for a bit because it was that bad and started to cry a little and got so scared. Then I felt another odd pain like either a clamp or another speculum shoved up my cervix and screamed "THAT SUCKS" so loud that I"m sure more people heard me. That was it I knew I was a gonner and was closing my eyes. The nurse held me down and told me I had to open my legs more because I was squishing whatever clamp thingy that was on my cervix. I spread 'em and it felt slightly better.
I felt the little catheter baloon inflate and it felt weird. Not hurt but my usual crampy pain that I feel every day so it was ok. Then he said 'here comes the dye" and was prepping for severe pain. So far, nothing. Then he said roll to the right then back on my back then to the left. And nothing happened! No pain!
He then said. "Ok you did good, we're all done."
We're all done? I felt nothing but that cervix thingy. He took the cath out which was weird. But that was it. I was so happy it was over.
He then showed me the results and I knew what clear was like. I clapped and said "oh my god, I'm clear?!" He goes "wow, you do know how to read these things."
He said I had something a little weird at the top of my uterus like a little bump but no big deal and my cervix was crooked like a question mark. But tubes looked fabulous.
I left the room and my husband was sheet white. He stands up and goes, "oh my god what happened are you ok? I heard you scream and are you ok? I told him yea and the good news but he was still shaking after hearing me through the doors.
Later we went to a restaurant where he got me a chocolate shake and treated me like a fragile porcelain doll. Hell, I'll take it. He gave me a kiss on the head and said, "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. Thank you for giving it a try for our babies." (ok you can stop gagging, it was sweet).
I laid in bed all day just to relax and soak in that I had pain that I would never, ever forget. But I'm grateful for the news. On to blood tests for progesterone and an ultrasound.
The man still needs to do his part and yes, I'm using my pain experience as the ultimate guilt. If I can get something jabbed inside me, then he can jiz in a cup.
Before we went to sleep he giggled and said, "While I'm glad you're out of pain and it's over, I will always associate this experience with your true nature and style by screaming THAT SUCKS so loud you scared 3 guys waiting for xrays down the hall. That's my girl."
Yea I can only imagine my winning phrases when I give birth. If this is a slight glimmer of what pushing a head through my cervix feels like, that will indeed truly suck.
Went in Thurs for the (*insert doom and gloom music*) HSG and ....
I'M ALL CLEAR!
The me and the doc were surprised actually since my history was making him think that endo was blocking my tubes. But nope. He's guessing if I do have endo that it's a mild case and at least it's not involving the tubs. Woo hoo!
The man wanted to go in but he was told all he could do was wait right outside the doors. So I went in and sat on the chair waiting for the doc and I started to cry. I was so afraid of the impending pain that I just broke down. I will say though I'm so glad I took the valium and the 800 mg of ibuprophin. The doc came in and saw me crying. He was all "oh honey, what's wrong. Ok here, we'll talk before we start ok?" And proceeded to tell me how many he's done, that he'll tell me when the usual pain would start, he would go slow, and he did this procedure on his wife--who did kick him in the face. So it would be ok.
I composed myself and sat up on the table. I told him to make it festive and fun I should have put glitter all over the place. He laughed. I laid down and felt the usual speculum go in and no big woop. Then he told me to cough and...
I screamed so loud that I knew people outside heard me. The pain felt like someone took a needle and shoved it in my cervix. I was dizzy for a bit because it was that bad and started to cry a little and got so scared. Then I felt another odd pain like either a clamp or another speculum shoved up my cervix and screamed "THAT SUCKS" so loud that I"m sure more people heard me. That was it I knew I was a gonner and was closing my eyes. The nurse held me down and told me I had to open my legs more because I was squishing whatever clamp thingy that was on my cervix. I spread 'em and it felt slightly better.
I felt the little catheter baloon inflate and it felt weird. Not hurt but my usual crampy pain that I feel every day so it was ok. Then he said 'here comes the dye" and was prepping for severe pain. So far, nothing. Then he said roll to the right then back on my back then to the left. And nothing happened! No pain!
He then said. "Ok you did good, we're all done."
We're all done? I felt nothing but that cervix thingy. He took the cath out which was weird. But that was it. I was so happy it was over.
He then showed me the results and I knew what clear was like. I clapped and said "oh my god, I'm clear?!" He goes "wow, you do know how to read these things."
He said I had something a little weird at the top of my uterus like a little bump but no big deal and my cervix was crooked like a question mark. But tubes looked fabulous.
I left the room and my husband was sheet white. He stands up and goes, "oh my god what happened are you ok? I heard you scream and are you ok? I told him yea and the good news but he was still shaking after hearing me through the doors.
Later we went to a restaurant where he got me a chocolate shake and treated me like a fragile porcelain doll. Hell, I'll take it. He gave me a kiss on the head and said, "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. Thank you for giving it a try for our babies." (ok you can stop gagging, it was sweet).
I laid in bed all day just to relax and soak in that I had pain that I would never, ever forget. But I'm grateful for the news. On to blood tests for progesterone and an ultrasound.
The man still needs to do his part and yes, I'm using my pain experience as the ultimate guilt. If I can get something jabbed inside me, then he can jiz in a cup.
Before we went to sleep he giggled and said, "While I'm glad you're out of pain and it's over, I will always associate this experience with your true nature and style by screaming THAT SUCKS so loud you scared 3 guys waiting for xrays down the hall. That's my girl."
Yea I can only imagine my winning phrases when I give birth. If this is a slight glimmer of what pushing a head through my cervix feels like, that will indeed truly suck.
My god is a funny god
(original post Feb 16, 2008)
The days when I get a massive gas pain attack on the train yet have to keep it in for 45 minutes shows me god thinks he's funny.
Next up: adventures in sperm analysis and why my husband called and said, "THAT SUCKED!"
The days when I get a massive gas pain attack on the train yet have to keep it in for 45 minutes shows me god thinks he's funny.
Next up: adventures in sperm analysis and why my husband called and said, "THAT SUCKED!"
Back in Jan 08....
(I decided to collect all infertility posts from my other blog and put them here too in case I decide to make this an official infertility blog)
It's offical:
1. this is turning into an infertility blog--my apologies off the bat.
2. I'm utterly confused and freaked out by this whole process.
Saw the doc the other day and he went over my results. Here I am thinking I'm all sassy with my "normal" FSH and only progesterone is all funky.
Nope.
FSH is 9.2 and a 10 is the beginning of worry-ville. He said that being 36 and "issues" arrising, that a 9.2 signals that trouble is starting to tick.
In short, I'm getting fucking old.
Then he went over progesterone, which I already knew was low.
I told him that the good ol left ovarian cyst is BACK and fucking painful and was hoping to prove it to him. He said he'll give me an ultrasound. I have visions of "wow, that puppy is big. Let's pop that puppy out of that ovary and be gone."
Instead words like Clomid was used. Here I am going all "uhhh ok sure." because an IUI is no big woop. So what the hey.
I get my ultrasound and it's now a 5cm instead of last test of a 3 cm. Great. The tech is nice and we chit chat and she goes "So, what is his treatment plan?" I said Clomid. Her eyes bug out of her sockets and she goes " CLOMID??? Heck no. That will make this thing bigger and it's already huge plus you can get more on top of this one."
Ok for reference, here is back in Nov and now Jan.
Nice, eh?
So I'm in full freakout mode but am in shock because at this point, I have no idea what is going on. FSH, progesterone, bleeding cyst, huge ass cyst, Clomid, pills, ultrasound. My head spins and I just go with the flow. She consults the doc because she's concerned and she comes back with a look of annoyance on her face, "well, looks like you have to take Clomid every other month." And I get shoved out the front door.
I had this huge feeling of WTF going on. What's this making the cyst bigger thingy??? I look up the Clomid prescribing info and clear as day, woomp there it is:
"CONTRAINDICATIONS: DO NOT USE CLOMID IF THERE ARE EXISTING CYSTS."
Well let's just hold the fucking phone. This wasn't told to me. And neither was the cyst getting worse from it. I had to get that 411 from the ultrasound tech.
I love my doc. He's very well respected and is with a great clinic and hospital. I like his personality and he's sweet but this is a very high concern for me. Why didn't he mention these risks when I asked risks. I heard bitchiness and hot flashes. I did not hear "oh it can make the cyst worse" side effects. He sort of let that minor thing out. Even my OB from way back said "your cyst needs to go away before any ovarian stimulation." Well it's on the track to get stimulated and I don' want to make a fucking move until I get answers and relief from this cyst. I hear that surgery isn't an option because I can kiss this ovary goodbye (or at least fertility workup). I also saw that my ultrasound had 6 follicles on the right side. I'm just hoping I'm misreading it and now is not the time to count those puppies because 6 is very low (not pathetic, just very low).
Here I was all "woo hoo. Normal HSG; do the Brown, do the Brown." And then a progesterone of low and going "meh, WebMD says progesterone suppositories (love that word)." Then off to "fucking cyst is back oh well, they'll pop that baby." And now? All of that speculation, hope, and doing the "Brown" is kicked in the nutsack. I just feel like my positive attitude is a laughing stock (shut up, in real life, I actually am really bubbly at the doc office. They all love my sense of humor). On top of all of this, the man has to get retested. They're great swimmers, it's just a lot of them decided to hang out at the bar or something because they didn't show up. But I guess banging on the door of a bathroom while you're rubbing one out can disrupt it. I don't know. My hopeful "doing the Brown" side is all "wow, IUI is so perfect and easy." HA!!! I laugh AND spit on your bubbly sense of humor and hope.
Fuck.
This is all sucking. I'm scared about fucking up my body. I don't need some cyst to rupture and destroy my ovary (on top of causing major pain and embarassment. I can see it happening at work. Fuckers better give me flowers out of sympathy if it does happen). And I don't need it to grow to 10lbs. If you go on YouTube, there is a video of surgery of this. I already have the slight preggo look from all this bloated whatever is going on.
Now I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo to bang on my door. It seems the cyst likes to keep Aunt Flo drunk and party like it's 1999 because I usually wind up late--as in 32ish days late. That's when the cyst throws a dirty, drunk, used up Aunt Flo back my way and goes "See you in 2 months, beeeyaaatch."
Part of me wants to ask the doc of this cyst is causing all of these levels to go wacked because I'll be damned if I'm told I'm old, bleeding, and useless (ok he didn't say this but this is how I'm starting to feel, big time!)
I always said I wouldn't be one of those "insane infertilty bitches who get all obsessed with their charts, measures, counts, and whatever". Well, I was wrong. Just like I'm wrong with everything I thought always knew about infertility, drugs, treatement, procedures, anatomy, and IVF. I realize that being a former editor for 2 peer-reviewed infertility journals only makes me a former editor for 2 peer-reviewed infertility journals (or as many call it--a WebMD hack).
Now excuse me while this obsessed and confused infertile bitch posts in 4 different topic areas of an infertility message board.
It's offical:
1. this is turning into an infertility blog--my apologies off the bat.
2. I'm utterly confused and freaked out by this whole process.
Saw the doc the other day and he went over my results. Here I am thinking I'm all sassy with my "normal" FSH and only progesterone is all funky.
Nope.
FSH is 9.2 and a 10 is the beginning of worry-ville. He said that being 36 and "issues" arrising, that a 9.2 signals that trouble is starting to tick.
In short, I'm getting fucking old.
Then he went over progesterone, which I already knew was low.
I told him that the good ol left ovarian cyst is BACK and fucking painful and was hoping to prove it to him. He said he'll give me an ultrasound. I have visions of "wow, that puppy is big. Let's pop that puppy out of that ovary and be gone."
Instead words like Clomid was used. Here I am going all "uhhh ok sure." because an IUI is no big woop. So what the hey.
I get my ultrasound and it's now a 5cm instead of last test of a 3 cm. Great. The tech is nice and we chit chat and she goes "So, what is his treatment plan?" I said Clomid. Her eyes bug out of her sockets and she goes " CLOMID??? Heck no. That will make this thing bigger and it's already huge plus you can get more on top of this one."
Ok for reference, here is back in Nov and now Jan.
Nice, eh?
So I'm in full freakout mode but am in shock because at this point, I have no idea what is going on. FSH, progesterone, bleeding cyst, huge ass cyst, Clomid, pills, ultrasound. My head spins and I just go with the flow. She consults the doc because she's concerned and she comes back with a look of annoyance on her face, "well, looks like you have to take Clomid every other month." And I get shoved out the front door.
I had this huge feeling of WTF going on. What's this making the cyst bigger thingy??? I look up the Clomid prescribing info and clear as day, woomp there it is:
"CONTRAINDICATIONS: DO NOT USE CLOMID IF THERE ARE EXISTING CYSTS."
Well let's just hold the fucking phone. This wasn't told to me. And neither was the cyst getting worse from it. I had to get that 411 from the ultrasound tech.
I love my doc. He's very well respected and is with a great clinic and hospital. I like his personality and he's sweet but this is a very high concern for me. Why didn't he mention these risks when I asked risks. I heard bitchiness and hot flashes. I did not hear "oh it can make the cyst worse" side effects. He sort of let that minor thing out. Even my OB from way back said "your cyst needs to go away before any ovarian stimulation." Well it's on the track to get stimulated and I don' want to make a fucking move until I get answers and relief from this cyst. I hear that surgery isn't an option because I can kiss this ovary goodbye (or at least fertility workup). I also saw that my ultrasound had 6 follicles on the right side. I'm just hoping I'm misreading it and now is not the time to count those puppies because 6 is very low (not pathetic, just very low).
Here I was all "woo hoo. Normal HSG; do the Brown, do the Brown." And then a progesterone of low and going "meh, WebMD says progesterone suppositories (love that word)." Then off to "fucking cyst is back oh well, they'll pop that baby." And now? All of that speculation, hope, and doing the "Brown" is kicked in the nutsack. I just feel like my positive attitude is a laughing stock (shut up, in real life, I actually am really bubbly at the doc office. They all love my sense of humor). On top of all of this, the man has to get retested. They're great swimmers, it's just a lot of them decided to hang out at the bar or something because they didn't show up. But I guess banging on the door of a bathroom while you're rubbing one out can disrupt it. I don't know. My hopeful "doing the Brown" side is all "wow, IUI is so perfect and easy." HA!!! I laugh AND spit on your bubbly sense of humor and hope.
Fuck.
This is all sucking. I'm scared about fucking up my body. I don't need some cyst to rupture and destroy my ovary (on top of causing major pain and embarassment. I can see it happening at work. Fuckers better give me flowers out of sympathy if it does happen). And I don't need it to grow to 10lbs. If you go on YouTube, there is a video of surgery of this. I already have the slight preggo look from all this bloated whatever is going on.
Now I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo to bang on my door. It seems the cyst likes to keep Aunt Flo drunk and party like it's 1999 because I usually wind up late--as in 32ish days late. That's when the cyst throws a dirty, drunk, used up Aunt Flo back my way and goes "See you in 2 months, beeeyaaatch."
Part of me wants to ask the doc of this cyst is causing all of these levels to go wacked because I'll be damned if I'm told I'm old, bleeding, and useless (ok he didn't say this but this is how I'm starting to feel, big time!)
I always said I wouldn't be one of those "insane infertilty bitches who get all obsessed with their charts, measures, counts, and whatever". Well, I was wrong. Just like I'm wrong with everything I thought always knew about infertility, drugs, treatement, procedures, anatomy, and IVF. I realize that being a former editor for 2 peer-reviewed infertility journals only makes me a former editor for 2 peer-reviewed infertility journals (or as many call it--a WebMD hack).
Now excuse me while this obsessed and confused infertile bitch posts in 4 different topic areas of an infertility message board.
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